I am challenged at a very deep level right now. If you are personal friends with me on facebook you know that I have been holding space and bearing witness to the events unfolding in North Dakota between the Standing Rock Sioux and their allies which include indigenous peoples and others from all around the globe, and the Energy Transfer Corporation (DAPL owner) and their allies, the governor of ND and the Morton County sheriff’s department.

I am totally and completely biased in this, so I won’t attempt to give you any more info about what’s going on. You can find it if you want to.

I do, however, want to talk to you about where I am conflicted and what I am learning.

As I have held space and born witness, I have continually blown away and humbled by the people from Standing Rock Sioux and other tribes and indigenous groups. They are focused, committed, prayerful, forgiving, reasoned, non violent. They release their anger over and over and over and over, every day.

They honor their elders, their children, their ancestors, their future generations — not just in speech but in action and ceremony. They honor the earth, the water, and all living beings. Dave Archambault, Chairman of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe, said in an interview yesterday that: “The water is not a resource. It is a relative and it needs protection.”

Again, I am just blown away. I have never seen people like this before. I have heard some of these thoughts espoused, but I’ve never seen them in deeply rooted, daily action. I so wish I could get there.

The conflict for me is that the SRS are asking for us to pray, to remain non-violent (that would mean in our thoughts as well), and to hold the course. Today’s International Prayer Vigil is asking that we pray for all of the water protectors who were and are being traumatized. But, they are also asking that we pray for those in uniform who have and who are still inflicting the trauma and pain.

I honestly don’t know if I can do that, and that brings me profound sorrow. I am going to take today in retreat to see if I can get there.

I have, of course, called upon my beloved angels for guidance on this. I did this first thing this morning after a pretty sleepless night spent wrestling with my anger and outrage.

I asked them to please help me – please show me how I can get to this peaceful place that is being requested of me so that I may fully join in the vigil and prayers.

Here are the cards that LEAPT out of the deck to guide me.

1. EARTH ANGEL: You are a lightworker who has come to Earth to teach about love.

This immediately reminded me that all involved are spirit in human form. And I suddenly saw that this is a battle of the dark and the Light. The old, the current, and the future have all converged in this point. I am to bear witness and to send love. Unconditional love.

2. YOU ARE A POWERFUL LIGHTWORKER: It is safe for you to be powerful. Your spiritual power brings great blessings in loving service to the Divine.

I have been getting many messages from spirit that I am now stepping into my power. Part of claiming my power is using it. Expressing outrage, learning lessons from bearing witness, joining in prayer, speaking up and speaking out. Figuring out my way back to the Light in the midst of this. Sending in angels, ascended healers, guides, all those with who I feel connected. Holding the Light while increasing power. Warrior on alert yet stable.

3. THROAT CHAKRA: The angels are helping you lovingly speak your truth.

This is when I knew I was to write about and to share about what it happening within me, what I am learning, and where I am hitting my walls and my old ways of being.

The stone that joined the alter? It’s a heart shaped quartz. One side clear (white) one side dark (black). I am being reminded that it’s not all black and white, clear and dark. There are any places between.

Ahhh 9 year (year of completion) you continue to pummel me forward and higher. And so it is.

Thanks for reading.